


Duette

by illegible



Category: Koe no Katachi
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Possible M Rating Later, Post-Series, references to manga
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 03:23:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15986591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illegible/pseuds/illegible
Summary: Nishimiya Shouko moves to Tokyo to become a beautician. Ishida Shouya follows her.





	1. Chapter 1

Nishimiya Shouko moves to Tokyo to become a beautician. Ishida Shouya follows her.

It wasn’t what he planned, but his plans have been spiraling out of control since one unremarkable day in April. Or maybe well before then. He is adrift in the sharp currents of coincidence or fate. Swimming against them will only exhaust him.

His mother suggested he go. So did his friends.

He felt like he was still waiting for something. At first, he thought it was an invitation from Nishimiya herself. Something to let him know that this wouldn’t be unwelcome, wouldn’t be off-putting. Not like a stalker or a leech.

They saved each other’s lives.

They share each other’s families.

Even these facts cannot erase the voice that argues, silently, he shouldn’t be here.

Nishimiya doesn’t want him to be in pain. She has, more than once and in so many words, tried to explain this. Shouya supposes that he’s been telling her the same thing in his own way.

_I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want you to hurt yourself._

This is his life. She will not ask him to give it away for anyone. Expecting as much in turn was wrong.

Telling her to watch over Yuzuru had been an excuse. He still wonders if Nishimiya understood it as such.

He couldn’t sleep. It was too hot, the air sticky, sweat beading down his spine.

They would all be leaving. Every one of them. Nagatsuka, Sahara, Mashiba, Kawai. Ueno.

Yuzuru would need to make friends with children her own age. It was time for her to grow out of her sister’s shadow.

Shouya knows, as he knew then, that if he didn’t move the world would keep going without him. He isn’t the only one being dragged toward deeper waters.

Going anywhere else for his degree might mean the chance to start new. To be a stranger. To shed his past like a skin grown too tight. But that isn’t what Shouya wants.

It occurred to him, staring at the peeling remains of stickers on his wall, that he isn’t strong enough to start over. Not alone, not completely. Not again. He can’t look straight into a sea of strangers. He can’t take risks on small talk without knowing whether this will be another Shimada, another Hirose. If it will be Kawaii, who so insists on her innocence he occasionally finds himself doubting reality. If it will be Ueno who he still can’t read, who changes according to what she thinks will mold him. A pit, a whirlpool he can’t stray close to because Ueno will suck him down so he will never surface and she will _drown_ him.

Shouya felt something break, years ago, something distinct from the way Nishimiya broke. Even hearing people’s voices clearly, the idea of approaching someone for the first time isn’t a gamble he can make anymore. Not on purpose. It’s easier knowing what to expect, even if that expectation is bad. He can’t trust himself to choose who is trustworthy at a glance. He can’t trust himself not to go mute again.

But even beyond his own plans, he isn’t looking to stay with Nagatsuka. He isn’t running the idea past Sahara.

Desperately, he wants to stay by Nishimiya’s side. He can’t imagine his life empty of her.

_Can I see you? Would it be weird to see you? Would I ruin things?_

_You deserve to be free of all this. You don’t need me._

_I’m sorry._

He held the sign, shaking, in his hands. He couldn’t meet her eyes.

_I’m sorry._

_It’s a selfish thing to ask._

She caught him. Held him in place. He knew in the firmness of her grip that she was waiting for him to look up.

Haltingly, he started to sign against her palms.

_I don’t have any right to—_

One of Nishimiya’s fingers pressed, hard and sudden, against his lips.

Her face has always been gentle. Wide eyes, a short nose, delicate lips. In that moment her jaw was set, a granite determination lining her gaze.

_Would you miss me? Yes or no._

She forced his lungs empty. If anything else escaped between his teeth, in the moment he couldn’t hear it. He can’t remember hearing anything.

The world rose and fell in waves around him, a nod as inevitable as anything they’ve been through together.

Fighting will always prove exhausting, and he was exhausted then. Shouya found his limbs numb and limp, everything simultaneously too light and too heavy. A filled balloon that was neither completely water nor air. The universe anchored only by Nishimiya herself, who could move him how she willed.

He felt her arms around him, behind his neck, across his back. Steady. His mouth pressed to her shoulder. Her shampoo familiar, strawberry-scented. What Yuzuru showed him a lifetime ago.

Despite himself and all of his reservations, he held her back.

_Then it’s alright._


	2. Chapter 2

Mashiba invited him to the bridge after Nishimiya moved out, but before Shouya could do the same. Several moments passed before he agreed.

It wasn’t good weather for it. Mist crept across the water, obscured distant streets and buildings. Still, the fish didn’t seem to mind. Their faces erupted to break surface tension in droves.

“I’m glad you could make it,” Mashiba told him, closing his eyes to smile. Shouya still can’t decide if it seemed sincere or not. He’d like to imagine it was. “There are things we haven’t gotten to talk about. I’d regret it if I missed my chance.”

“Oh,” he’d replied, “yeah. That’s no problem.” He tore the bread. Tore it again. Threw two pieces, perhaps smaller than necessary, into the water. They disappeared. “What’s on your mind?”

Mashiba was watching the koi. He hadn’t fed them yet, but seemed to be on the brink. There was something weary in his expression that hadn’t been there before. Something in the creases under his eyes. “Ishida,” he said evenly, “I’d like to know why you bullied Nishimiya when you were young.”

Time didn’t stop. Shouya remembers being conscious of the splashing below them, of distant traffic, of how humidity enveloped everything.

He stopped. It was as if in a single sentence his mind, his expression, everything inside him had been wiped blank.

Mashiba ripped into his own baguette. Threw a chunk. Watched it vanish.

Again.

Again.

“Why?” he found himself asking. Echoing. He couldn’t have looked away from his former classmate if he’d wanted to. “I was disgusting. It never should have happened.”

“I know,” Mashiba replied. Serene. Breaking bread. Feeding fish.

“There’s no good answer,” said Shouya. Finally, he managed to turn. Found the railing instead. “It’s only going to make you angry.”

“Does it make you angry?” asked Mashiba.

The railing wasn’t good enough. Shouya closed his eyes and instead looked at nothing. “Of course it does.”

“Why?”

Silence.

No.

The trill of insects. Bread and fins on water. Cars. A distant murmur of conversation.

Shouya allowed himself to breathe.

“No one deserved what she went through,” he said, “The things I did. But she… Nishimiya was kind. She’s always been kind. It was hard enough for her, and I…” Shouya ran out of things to say. Tried again. “Out of everyone, _she_ should have had friends. She should have had a normal life.”

Mashiba waited.

“I wish she’d been angrier about it, then. Or that she was angry now. I still don’t know how to prove it wasn’t her fault.”

“Ishida.”

He glanced over. Mashiba’s hands weren’t moving anymore. The smile returned but his eyes were open. There was nothing joyful about the expression.

“Whatever you were before, it’s obvious the person you are today cares about Nishimiya very much,” said the graduate. “You’ve become the kind of person who protects others instead. Like her. Like Nagatsuka.” Mashiba was watching him. His eyes were very dark. “So if we’re both angry about what happened together, I think that’s alright.”

Shouya knew he was supposed to say something, but he didn’t.

_I don’t think… I grew into a fine young man._

_And I don’t want to think so either._

Maybe Mashiba remembered after all.

Even so, Shouya didn’t expect him to look down.

“I think,” said Mashiba slowly, carefully, “that there is something missing inside me. A reason I’ve been afraid to look too closely at who I am and who teased me. After all... maybe they were right.”

He needed to say something.

He couldn't.

The koi were impatient.

Mashiba chuckled. “Anyway. This will be a weakness for as long as I leave it alone. Looking with a friend though… that doesn’t seem so bad.”

And eventually, haltingly, Shouya began to speak.

It was never really about Nishimiya at all. Not as a person.

The things that made her a target were such small details. Such minor inconveniences. Stopping over and over again during class. Falling behind on notes while taking others with her. Lower expectations from the teacher. Lost competitions in chorus. Repeating conversations.

That was part of it. She couldn’t keep up. She committed the sin of failing to meet standards, socially and academically.

Her struggle to speak. The necessity of hearing aids. Her notebook. Those parts just made it easier to pretend she wasn’t human. Little oddities.

“She wasn’t unique,” Shouya explained. Shred the food in his hands. Let it go. A mechanical gesture. “There was a guy who stole my shoes once, before everything happened. He was bigger than me. Sweat a lot. I called him Deluxe, like some kind of monster to beat." So many mouths, opening and closing without saying a word. "He offered to return my stuff when I asked, but part of me felt like he'd ruined it. This was a final boss fight. So I hit him anyway.” Shouya scuffed his toe on the bridge. Paused. “I used to tell myself Nishimiya was an alien invader. She didn’t know how to use Japanese, so other signals were needed.”

“What was the point?” Mashiba wasn't moving in the corner of his eye. To look closer would have felt like a mistake.

“…Just boredom. For me,” he found himself admitting. His hands constricted around the loaf. Stopped. Deliberately relaxed. “I don’t think it was like that for everyone, but that only makes it worse. Not once did it cross my mind that I what I was doing was to a person. And then when… when things changed, and I became the target instead, I got it. I knew. But by then I was angry.”

He had to keep himself empty. Divorce words from images, from memories. Forget his friends. Forget the pond. Forget the iron taste of blood rolling across his tongue. Down his chin. Nearly puking from being hit. Being submerged. Being sprayed.

_Kill yourself._

“I couldn’t reach the rest of them. And back then, I… it took a while for me to accept that it was my fault. Even if I wasn’t alone. So I blamed Nishimiya.”

His arms folded over the balustrade, and Shouya pressed his forehead there.

“Stupid, evil thing,” he muttered. “I should have known that.”

“You know now,” answered Mashiba. Very controlled. “It’s obvious.”

“Yeah,” Shouya replied, “but it’s too late. Nothing will change what happened.”

_It’s not enough._

_It will never be enough._

“Unlike some people,” Mashiba replied, clipped, “you've helped Nishimiya find happiness today. You make her happy. So how about you don’t ruin that for her, eh?”

Spots swirled under his eyelids. His chest deflated against the words.

“Ishida.”

A hand came to rest along his back.

“I didn’t hit you for Nishimiya when we argued. I told myself that was why when I did it, but it wasn’t true at all. She cares about you. She ran to your side right away, even when no one else would. I still can’t forget the look on her face…” The voice went quiet. Mashiba's contact was gentle, no matter how Shouya searched for hints of change. “I only made her more unhappy by hurting you. And I haven’t forgotten what you told us before.”

_He'd want to die._

Movement. A thumb shifting. One way, the other.

More spots.

“I’m not a kid," Mashiba continued, "I knew what I was doing. You were down already. You invited me to punch you like that, even knowing you’d found peace with your victim. And because I was selfish, because I didn’t get to punish the ones who hurt me… I decided it would be fine to use you. Even though nothing would be accomplished.”

“I don’t know,” Shouya said. “Nishimiya forgives too easily. She’s still in pain because of things I did.”

“But she feels happy because of things you did, too. She’s still alive because of you.”

The sound of running water. His eyes burning, blind. Of their own accord Shouya felt his knees bend, pulling him to the cobblestones below. A forced kneel. His forehead against the barrier, hands at his sides.

Nothing. Nothing for what seemed like eternity.

Then Mashiba Satoshi beside him, arms encircling his back. An urgency to the grip that was almost painful.

“Eternal punishment,” Mashiba whispered, fiercely, “is not justice. Forgetting someone's humanity isn’t, either. That’s how you become a bully. Don’t you dare target yourself, Ishida.”

It was wet.

But he opened his eyes.


End file.
